I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
