Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
