today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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