If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
