god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
