I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
