So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
