The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
