If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize