A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
