Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I can text with my tongue
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
So much Jack, so little girl.
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