What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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