So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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