You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
