You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
