They should really pass out barf bags in church
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
