and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize