some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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