either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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