Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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