i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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