I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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