I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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