yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
