Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
