Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
