we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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