so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
two words...techno handjob
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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