Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
