me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You're like the curious george of whores
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
