Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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