You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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