I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
