he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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