Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
