Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
