i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
