Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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