dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize