shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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