He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize