He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
