looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
