so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
