what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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