My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
