I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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