I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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