the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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