she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
