please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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