Got a toothbrush?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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