My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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