woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize