my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She told me I should be a condom model.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
