Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
