yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
