I think I won the penis lottery.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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