Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
