Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
