he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
