also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
