so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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