So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
