saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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