bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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