i just sent this text using only my big toe
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
