If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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