Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
