Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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