I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
